


Letters to You

by 2Minutes2Midnight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Feels, Pining, Season/Series 12 Spoilers, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, Season/Series 14 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 10:00:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2Minutes2Midnight/pseuds/2Minutes2Midnight
Summary: Castiel finds letters Dean wrote.Inspired by the song with the same title.





	Letters to You

 

Inspired by the song “Letters to you” by Finch.

 

Castiel stands in the middle of the room for a long time, taking it in. If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine Dean barging in any moment, asking him why he's there. But he won't. He can't. Dean's _gone._ Castiel sits on the edge of the mattress, fingers stroking over the sheets.

 

_It's memory foam...it remembers me_

 

A slight smile quirks at one side of Castiel's mouth. Dean always seemed to enjoy the simplest things- things trivial and unimportant to an angel. Right now, they seemed to be all that was important. Castiel stood, and felt something bump the back of his heel on the floor. He stooped down, finding an old, beaten shoebox tucked under the bed, one corner sticking out where it had been nudged by his shoe.

 

Castiel frowned. He didn't remember seeing this before, and he's gone through Dean's things multiple times out of boredom. He always wondered why the hunter never got angry with him- even that first time shortly after purgatory. Touching Dean's belongings always brought a sense of peace to Castiel- to be close to something close to Dean.

 

Oh, if his brothers and sisters could see him now. So far removed from being a wave of celestial intent that he'd come to understand and crave sentimentality. He gripped the box, and laid down on Dean's bed, kicking off his shoes. Dean wouldn't like it if he wore his shoes in his bed.

 

Castiel laid his head back against the headboard for a long minute, breathing deeply. It'd been a few weeks at most- and already he _longed_ for Dean. Perhaps he was broken. He lifted the lid off the box and squinted in surprise. There were envelopes, several of them. With his name written in Dean's big, blocky handwriting.

 

'Castiel'

 

He considered opening them. After all, they had his name, clearly written on them. Had Dean intended to give these to him one day? Or perhaps...

 

Castiel felt his stomach drop. Perhaps Dean knew there would be a day that Cas would lay here, in his bed, alone. With Dean dead or missing, and so he thought ahead and left some tiny message, some note to ease Castiel's pain. Bracing himself, Castiel opened the letter with a tiny number one written in the upper righthand corner.

 

 

_Hey Cas,_

 

_You died last night._

 

Castiel paused, his hands shaking. Could he do this? He closed his vessels eyes. He knew every death he had experienced hurt Dean, but Dean never spoke of it. Apparently, he'd written of it. Resolutely, he returned his eyes to the paper. There were several smudges in the ink, as if at some point it'd gotten wet. Instinctively he knew Dean had cried while writing this.

 

_You died last night. I feel like if I write it down, maybe I'll be able to believe it. It's not the first time you've died. It's not the first time you've died in front of me, either. I'm worried, Cas. God, Chuck, whatever, he left. He said the Earth would be fine, because it had us. But I don't have you. Not anymore. And I'm not fine. Nearly ten years, Cas. Nearly ten years you've been at my side._

 

Castiel paused. It had been ten years already. Ten years since he pulled Dean from hell. To an angel, it was the blink of an eye. To Castiel, it felt as such. But to Dean- it was a significant portion of his life. He knew Dean had missed him, but it never occurred to him that next to Sam, no one alive had stood by his side for so long.

 

_How do I do this? How do I learn to live without you? You've been around for a third of my life. You know me better than mom does. Most of the time, better than Sam too. You're right, we do have a profound bond. I can't do this without you._

 

_-Dean_

 

 

Castiel smiled ruefully. He leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling as if it had all the answers.

“I don't know Dean. I don't want to know how to live without you, either.”

 

Briefly, Castiel wondered if he prayed to Michael, if Dean would be able to hear it. He chased the foolish thought from his head and moved onto the next letter.

 

_Hey Cas,_

 

_Today we burned your body. Gave you a proper funeral. I think it's the first time I've ever said goodbye to you. I can't get the image of your wings, burned into the ground, out of my head. When Cain told me that I would someday kill you, as the curse of the mark took over, I had nightmares about it. About seeing your lifeless body, wings burned into the ground. Your blood dripping from the first blade. I still remember the promise you made to me then. That after everyone else I knew was long gone, you'd be the one to watch me murder the world. That you'd take any chance, no matter how small, to save me. After that, it finally sunk in. You were never going to leave. Even if the mark corrupted me completely (which it did) you'd still be there. I'm not sure I deserve your loyalty and faith. I often think about what will happen when I die. I don't want to go to Heaven if you're not there with me. The real you- not a memory of you._

 

 

Castiel pondered that for a long moment. He'd tried not to think of it- but someday Dean would die for the last time. With Heaven barely standing, he'd be let back in. Perhaps he could visit Dean's heaven. If he had to be cursed with living for an eternity while the one soul he loved had to die- that's where he wanted to be, he decided. He wiped at his eyes, which had curiously gotten a bit damp, before opening the next letter.

 

_Hey Cas,_

 

_I don't know how much longer I can hang on like this. Crowley's dead. Mom's gone. You...you're dead. It's just me and Sam. We're going after the nephilim. I hate him. I hate him for tricking you. If he hadn't opened that rift. If he didn't come into being, Lucifer wouldn't have been near you. You wouldn't have put yourself in the middle. You wouldn't have died trying to keep me safe. I don't want to live in a world without you._

 

Castiel took a deep breath. He knew things had been strained between Dean and Jack once, but it never fully dawned on him that Dean blamed Jack for his death. Yet here they were, Dean possessed by Michael, a choice he made to save Jack and Sam. He had been just as afraid for the nephilim's fate as his own brother's. Despite the criticism of others, Dean was inherently good. So was Jack. Dean had seen the good in Jack and forgiven him, had come to care for him. Dean was like that. He found broken, lost souls and brought them together as a family. Cas was a part of that. Despite his denial, so had Crowley. Lately, Rowena too. Jody, Claire and Donna were in the extended family. Each letter was getting easier for Castiel to read. It felt as if he were close to Dean once more, sharing some heartfelt words and a lingering look, under the stars outside some motel as the world threatened to burn around them. Sometimes, he missed the apocalypse.

 

_Cas,_

 

_I miss you. So damn much. I wish I'd taken more pictures of you. Of us. I know that the vessel you wear isn't truly you. It was created for you in Jimmy Novak's image when god brought you back. But it's the form I know you in. I wish I could've seen you as you truly are. I wish I could've known you as completely as you knew me. All I have left of you is a crappy ID photo, and the sound of your voice when I call your voicemail. I call it everyday so I won't forget how you sounded. I pray to you, but I don't know if they can reach you where you are. I have no idea where angels go when they die, but I hope you're okay there. I know if you could, you'd be here. Hell, you're probably fighting to come back right this second. When I write these letters to you, I imagine someday you'll come back and read them. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. Waiting for you to come back._

 

Castiel shuddered, trying to keep his building emotions back. He used his grace like a damn to hold back the tide. He understood, completely. There'd been no activity from Michael, no way to track him. He'd taken Dean and disappeared into the wind. He could be anywhere, any _when_ and Castiel couldn't follow. So he waited. Waited and read Dean's letters.

 

_Cas,_

 

_You once told me “Good things do happen, Dean.”. I didn't believe you. I'm not sure when I finally did. You were my 'good thing', Cas. Now you're gone, and everything is cold and empty. I'm tired of losing people. I'm tired of losing you. I'd give anything to wake up from this nightmare to find you watching over me again. I used to find it creepy. But then I got used to it. Now I miss it like I miss you. God, I miss you so much. I wish I could tell you that. I just..I need you to know that you're missed. You'll always be missed. It's hard to sleep. It feels too lonely without you nearby. It's hard to wake from a nightmare without you standing by my side, or showing up in my dream, banishing the darkness away with your light. I know you think you were being sneaky, but I always knew it was you. It always made me feel safe. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe again._

 

Castiel wiped absently at his cheeks, the tears streaming freely as he fumbled open the next letter. Surely he was broken, defective. Angels weren't supposed to feel. Not to this level...and yet..

 

_Cas,_

 

_You always put me first. Like I was important. No one's ever done that. I've never felt important. I was dad's soldier. Follow orders, take care of Sam. Then you came along and told me I deserved to be saved. You told me that I was different. You followed me, even when you knew it was going to get you killed. I'm not sure it was worth it. Nothing was worth losing you. You told me that knowing me was the best part of your life. Millions of years, and I was it? You need to get some hobbies, dude._

 

Castiel stifled a chuckle at that. He could practically _hear_ Dean saying that with a signature smirk.

 

_It's hard for me to believe, but you've shown me through your actions. I wish I'd been able to show you, too. To tell you that you were the best part of mine. But I was frozen with fear and worry. You were dying. Then you told me you loved me, and the world stopped. I was speechless. I wish I'd told you then, that I loved you too. I should've told you then. But I'm a coward. Now it's too little too late. You deserved to know that you were loved, too. You deserved better than me._

 

Castiel shook his head.

 

“Oh Dean, that's simply not true..” he whispered softly, moving onto the next letter slowly.

 

 

_Cas,_

 

_You told me once that your guilt made you want to kill yourself. I told you later through prayer that I needed you. That I didn't know how to carry on without you.. I still don't. We never talked about it again. I wish we had. I wish I had been less selfish. I wish I'd dropped everything and put you first. You were by my side every step of the way. I don't want to continue this journey without you. But I can't give up; because you'll come back. You'll come back and you'll be furious at me for giving up, when you've sacrificed so much._

 

Castiel contemplates for a moment before nodding. He definitely would've been furious at Dean if he'd given up. If he'd come back and found out that Dean-that he-...

 

Castiel stopped the train of thought dead in it's tracks. He didn't want to think about it, but he was certain he would've stormed the gates of heaven, tracked Dean down, and thrown him up against a wall like he had in the alley.

 

_Cas,_

 

_When you saved me from that deal with the reaper Billie, I was so angry. Cosmic consequences and all. Did you know then that the consequence was you? Did you realize you were trading your life for mine? I'd trade it back if I could. Where do angels go when they die? Do they vanish, as if they never existed at all? Is there some other realm they go to? Some locked away corner of Heaven just for dead angels? Wherever it is you ended up, I want to follow you. That's my promise to you- one day I will follow you._

 

Castiel thought of the empty, of the eternal darkness it held. That certainly wasn't a fate he wanted for Dean. It wasn't the fate Dean deserved after all the times he'd saved the world. He was glad that Billie hadn't been able to drop Dean into the empty. He took a deep breath, and opened the last letter.

 

_Cas,_

 

_You told me that I can't save everyone. I just wish I could've saved you. This hole that you left...I don't think it'll ever stop hurting. I miss you Cas. It's hard to accept that this is how it ends, after everything we shared. It's been almost two weeks. This is the longest you've ever been dead (though technically you were missing for longer when you lost your memory..) so I have to accept that this time is different. For whatever reason, either you can't, or you don't want to come back. It hurts like hell. Sam's just about sick of my moping, and I can't stop snapping at Jack. He's trying, he is. I just..I don't have it in me to let anyone else in right now. Maybe not ever again. Not if it means feeling like this._

 

Castiel carefully folds the letters back up, and puts them back into the shoebox. He leans back against the bed, mind blank as he sifts through his emotions. Dean had been so happy when he returned. He knew he'd been gone from this world for a while. Certainly not hours or days, but a good stretch of time had been lost. But Dean was so full of life, of joy when he came back. He had been tired- Castiel knew this. Knew how hard it'd been to wake him for a whole week following his return. How Dean had finally been able to sleep again- and taken his time catching up on it.

 

But now he knew, how hopelessly lost Dean had been. It wasn't unlike how lost he now felt, with Michael possessing Dean.

 

“I'll wait for you Dean. I won't give up.” he promised, both to Dean and himself. They would outlast this, as they always did. And when he had Dean back to his normal self, things between them would change. Castiel would make sure of that. But..just to make sure..

 

Castiel sat down at Dean's desk, and began to write.

 

_Hello Dean,_

 

_I read your letters. I hope you don't mind. You've been under Michael's control for several weeks now. We don't even know where to look for you, or if we'll ever be able to get you back. I miss you Dean. I wish you wouldn't have done this. I have faith though. In you. I will be here, waiting as long as it takes. I promised you that I'd be there, long after everyone else was gone. I intend to keep that promise._

 

_-Castiel_

 


End file.
